


Get Your Priorities Straight

by Eclissy



Category: AdventureQuest Worlds
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-16
Updated: 2015-09-16
Packaged: 2018-04-21 01:42:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4810085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eclissy/pseuds/Eclissy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the midst of Evil's Civil War, a couple of adventurers kick back in the neutral zone, discussing topics that should have lay buried.</p><p>(It's crack)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Get Your Priorities Straight

Thunder and lightning clashed in the darkened sky, mirroring the chaos below. The sound of metal on metal fills the air as Nulgath's army and Dage's undead legion fight for the upper hand. The sea of madness stretched on beyond the horizon and though the battle was reaching a fever pitch, an end was not yet in sight.

Looming over the battle were tall jagged stone monoliths that reached up to the dark sky. Many dotted the battlefield and on top one in particular were three lurking adventurers who had no business being there.

"Hey Ty?" the young boyish adventurer said. "Is it safe being here?" he asked his white-hooded friend. Both of them were sitting on the ledge of the monolith, spying down on the war below.

"You said you wanted to see evil's civil war and you got it," the hooded adventurer sighed, pulling back her hood. "I never said it was going to be safe but we should be fine while they're preoccupied with each other. Besides, this isn't our battle."

"I'm just worried that if they catch us…they're likely gonna kill us. If the lightning doesn't get us first." Ash said, nervously looking up at the sky.

"Correction. They'll kill you," Ty said, pulling out a pair of opera glasses. She nicked them off one of her siblings a while back so she could get a good look at the where the...action was.

"That's comforting," Ash said sarcastically.

"You know I won't let that happen," Ty smiled as an explosion goes off in the distance. "Wow! That was a nice one! You wanna see, Ash?" she offered, holding out the glasses.

"Sure." He said, taking them off of her hands. "So…aren't you supposed to be down there? I mean, this is a pretty important fight for the side of evil. You're not worried about the outcome?"

"No. Not at all. In fact, I was hoping this would happen," Ty answered, dangling her legs off of the ledge. "Whoever wins is going to prove that they are more powerful, charismatic and much more useful to the side of evil than the other. From what I've seen, both are loyal to  _the Empress Gravelyn_  so this battle will benefit her and the alliance." She continues, sneering at the Empress' name, making Ash cringe ever so slightly. "Everyone was pretty uneasy when they were forced to work together. Now that everyone's made their loyalties clear, there will be less strife and the alliance can focus on the real problem at hand. Who are you rooting for?"

"No one! Whoever wins is going to cause trouble for the side of good so there's no way I'm supporting any of them!"

"Really? I saw your allies down there. They look like their having fun."

"What? Where?" Ash said, eyes darting around in vain. Rolling her eyes, Ty points down to the nearest "good" adventurer bloodily beheading a member of Nulgath's army and yelling something that no child under the age of thirteen should hear. "Is that Soluna? But…she's a paladin!"

"And looky over there. Isn't that Neil the healer impaling his staff through a legionnaire's eye socket? I think it is." Ty laughed quietly, pointing another one out. Ash began to see more and more of his allies fighting whole heartedly for their preferred evil abomination. Ash sighed dejectedly, handing back the glasses to Ty. "So tell me Ash. Who would you support if you were with your other friends down there fighting the, ehem, "good" fight?"

"…Nulgath probably."

"That's a surprising choice. So you favor the Arch Fiend," Ty commented, eyes homing in on a single target. "Why?"

"Well, he used to be Dage's master right? And he's been around longer than Dage has and I guess he's pretty menacing and powerful so that's a good reason, right?"

"You just like his stuff, don't you?"

"…Yes."

"Not surprising at all. Honestly, most of us adventurers are only here for the items and I don't blame them." Ty says wryly, tipping her head to the side to get a better look at her target. "Both of them accept mercs and it really doesn't matter where they come from."

"Well, how about you Ty? Who do you think should win?"

"…Like I said, it doesn't matter who wins. Just as long as there's a winner then I'm fine with whatever happens," She huffs, leaning over to the other side. "C'mon guy, jump or something." She muttered under her breath.

"Yeah right," A voice chimed in from behind them, startling Ash.

"Alison! What are you doing here? Ty, why did you let your little sister come? It's dangerous!" He stutters.

"I jumped through the portal behind you guys and it's not  _that_  dangerous," Alison says as she plops down between them. "I was just hanging back, watching the other side of the action," After smoothing out her lacy and poofy sundress, Alison took out a worn flower print notebook and began to write on its smooth white pages.

"Geez Alison, did you dress up like a bull's eye today?" Ty joked, giggling slightly at whatever she was looking at. Alison only grumbled a tiny bit before returning her attention to Ash.

"Back to what you were asking…" Alison began, simultaneously writing in her book. "Isn't it obvious who's she rooting for?" She asks, earning a look of confusion from Ash. Disappointed, she deadpanned her answer."Dage. She's rooting for the leader of the Undead Legion." Ty tenses and tightened her grip on the glasses, trying her best to ignore her younger sister's accusation.

"Dage?" Ash suggested tentatively. "You're rooting for Dage?"

"Fine," Ty conceded. "I do favor Dage over than Nulgath. So what?"

"uh, why?" Ash asked.

"An arrogant former minion gaining power and moving to defeat his former hated master," Alison states. "Is it just me or does that sound familiar to you?" Alison mockingly asked. "You make it too easy to tell, Ty."

"Just…just shut up, Alison,"

"Oh…I see," Ash said understandingly, taking out a canteen of water.

"…That and the fact that she's been staring at his butt for the past hour." Ash, who was just taking a sip of water, sprayed his drink out in surprise and accidently let the canteen fall over the edge while Ty almost dropped the glasses.

"What? No! I-I am not staring! I swear!"

"I'm sorry. I meant to say that she was  _lovingly_ gazing at it," Alison teased, jotting more words on to the page. "Not even the craziest sociopath stares, smiles and giggles like you were when they look at carnage. I don't know how he doesn't notice the creeper staring at his wonder thighs."

"I'm telling you, I was not staring at Dage's butt…maybe a tiny bit," She confessed, bringing the glasses back up to her eyes as Ash stared at her with abject horror. "Okay, maybe a lot…the whole time actually."

"Ty…why? Why would you ever…he's a lich! He's just bones!" A bolt of lightning struck nearby as if to punctuate Ash's point. "He's even wearing a cape! How can you even see his…umm uhh….his stuff?"

"Sure he's a lich and all but I can tell from his armor that his hip bones are a work of art. Who am I not to stare at a fine  _fine_ work of art?" Ty sighs, giggling at the view. "And yeah, the cape's pretty annoying. I wish he would move around more. If only the wind would pick up and sweep the cape up again."

"Don't you have a boyfriend you should be thinking about?"

"Ouch, low blow. But that's a…working progress," Ty shrugs at her understatement, turning her attention back to ogling a dead person. "C'mon, turn around. Bend over to pick up a rock or something. Jump and attack someone. Anything!"

"Are you telling me…that the whole reason why you're here, spying down on a warzone potentially endangering me and your sister, is because you want to stare at the backside of an undead evil overlord."

"Hey, you're the one who wanted to see what was going on," Ty replied, not even hiding it anymore. "And I saw you back there, Ash. I don't think you're going to find war tactics in the jiggling cleavage of Nulgath's minions." That almost shut Ash up completely, leaving him stammering. "Do you know how hard it is to appreciate them from here? You can see pretty well if you're looking at some of the ladies down there, I mean did you  _see_  that butterface with the whip? I don't know how she can jump around like that without her assets flying up and clocking her in the face. The guys on the other hand, especially the ones with capes, are a challenge. It's like a game of extreme peek-a-boo and if you're caught…actually I don't know what happens if you're caught. Most likely he'll freaking try to kill me or worse but it's worth it," Ty said, only stopping when she noticed Alison grinning knowingly and Ash' frightened expression. "Look…I've seen the shit that Milt-excuse me, that Nulgath's into and if he can be a pervert with his minions, so can I! Well technically former minion…apprentice…who's male but that doesn't matter. By the way, is it just me or did Dage get slimmer? He seems to have dropped a lot of bulk but...I don't really mind." Ty started to ramble.

"Can I see?" Alison asked sweetly, reaching out to the glasses.

"NO!" Ash yelled before Ty could reply, grabbing Alison's hand back.

"Works for me," Ty said, still concentrating on getting a good angle.

"I just can't…I'm not going to even bother." Ash threw up his hands in defeat, returning to watching the battle below.

A few moments of silence passed as the three individuals concentrated on their own endeavors whether it be quietly writing, admiring the assets of an unknowing victim or trying desperately not to look out of morbid curiosity. Instead, Ash decided to peer over Alison's shoulder, taking an interest in her work.

"…What are you writing about?" Alison smiled ear to ear at his question and Ash suddenly felt the need to run far away.

"Nothing much. Just a bunch of things…" Alison snickers. "Would you like to know?"

"…Actually, no thanks. I don't like where this is going." Turning back down to the clash of evils, Ash started to think that it was looking very inviting at that moment. Ty on the other hand felt brave that day and moved her attention to Alison's cursive lettering. Looking into the small book, she caught sight of two familiar names and began to read out loud.

"… _pinning him down on the cold floor, he leaned in close and whispered threateningly "You're mine and don't you ever…"_  Ty trailed off, expression hardening. "Alison…"

"Yes," Alison replied, smiling innocently.

"Is this…oh dear freaking…Is this-" she took a moment to compose herself, taking a deep breath in. "Is this Dage/Nulgath slash?"

"Well, it looks like I'm staying out of  _this_  discussion." Ash said, scooting away as quick as he could.

"I'm asking you right now because there's no way I'm checking it again to make sure," Ty said tensely, feeling her stomach twist in horror. "Is that actually, Dage/Nulgath slash?"

"Pfft. Of course not," Alison answered, evil smile still stretched across her face. "It's Nulgath/Dage."

"I hate you."

"Is there even a difference?" Ash asked from afar.

"Yes!" both of his companions replied. "There is a  _very_ big difference," Ash decided that he rather not know what the difference was.

"But it isn't slash," Alison added. "At least…not yet."

"Why? Why in the burning hells would you decide to write something…something like that?" Ty demanded, flailing at the book. "It's one thing to write about pairings that you like, that's fine, but for the love of all that is right in the world, don't write about people that are real! I've talked to Dage and Nulgath before. It's pretty clear that they hate each other!"

"But that's what makes it exciting," Alison replied passionately, placing the book behind her. "Heated rivalry, terms of endangerment, intense gazing from across a battlefield, rough handling, the endless fight for dominance, the mere sight of each other making their adrenaline rush-"

"I don't think Dage, being undead, is able to produce adrenaline and I'm not really sure about Arch fiends but-"

"Shut up, Ash."

"…okay," Ash sighed, turning back to the carnage. Out of the corner of his eye, however, he caught sight of the book opened to the first page. Just imagining what was inside it made bile rise in his throat and he reached over to slam it shut. That was…until the morbid curiosity came back with a vengeance and he ever so carefully let his eyes scan over the page as the others went back to their argument.

"-not only that but they have a  _history,"_ Alison continued much to the terror of Ty. "Master and minion; isn't that just a darling close relationship? I bet he had him on his knees  _a lot_. It's just so… _umph._  "

"Stop it right now." Ty covered her ears in a vain attempt to close it out.

"And even if one of them does destroy the other, the one left standing will never ever be able to forget the other," Alison sighed dramatically, bringing the back of her hand up to her forehead and leaning back. "I'm excited for the dramatic end. I hope they get up close and  _personal_!"

"Don't you think that it's just possible for them to just hate each other? No subtext, they just despise each other. Because that's way more likely" Ty shot back.

"Yeah, but that's no fun. Besides, it's just harmless speculation," Alison replied. "Foe yay is always fun to write about."

"And really implausible. I said the same thing about the other ones you wrote. There is not enough evidence. I repeat, not enough evidence. They haven't even dropped the word "feisty" yet. Or even a "You're mine!" or something along those lines. That's when I'll start to worry."

"I thought you liked them the other ones I wrote. You even kept the Warlic/Xan one under your pillow."

"How did you-…I have no idea what you're talking about." Ty denied, turning away.

"Under your pillow isn't a very good hiding place. You kept the Cysero and Lim one down there too. And the Vayle/Artix…and the-"

"Okay, I get it. You can stop now."

"And what about you and Prince Dorky McHomeless?" Alison alluded. "I really should make one like that but if anyone finds out about that one…"

"Will you be quiet!" Ty whispered lividly, slapping a hand over Alison's mouth. "And besides, that's different."

"Who's going to care?" Alison said, playfully pushing the hand away. "And what do you mean by different anyway?"

"Well…you do know that one of them is just bones while the other is a demon thing. That sounds difficult to write about…sounds really weird too." Ty explained, shuddering and wishing that the conversation would end soon.

"Oh please. I've written epics about the love between a sponge and an octopus. This shit is child's play." Alison's tone deepened as she looked down on the oblivious sparring warriors. "Remember the world we live in, Ty. Someone's eventually going to think it and I might as well be the first."

"…You know what? I'm just going to go back to staring at Dage's butt. Just do whatever," Ty dismissed, turning her attention back to more important and less brain damaging matters.

"It also helps that Dage fits into the "Starscream" character type." Alison continued, ignoring Ty.

"So we're bringing that up now are we?"

"Well you do know what people usually say about "Starscreams" and their "Megatrons," right?" Alison goaded, gently elbowing Ty. " _Right?"_

"How about we stop it here? Before I punch a bitch."

"Oh whoops! I forgot that you started to hate that little comparison a while back," Alison teased, leaning in to whisper to Ty. "Because that would mean that it could be possible that your dorky darling might have had a little somthin somthin for the late-"

"I think Gravelyn and Nulgath would make a nice pairing." Ty interrupted a-matter-of-factly.

"Fuck you," Alison turned away and crossed her arms to pout, sensing that Ty was smiling quietly from her small victory. It wouldn't last for very long.

"Since you aren't interested in reading my piece…how about I let your imagination take care of it as I read you random words-"Alison began, pulling out a butterfly-print book from hammerspace. "-from the hardcore version!"

"Shit, you wrote a hardcore version!" Ty spat out in absolute terror.

"Now let's see…" Alison flipped open the cover and smiled a smile that came straight from the abyss.

"Bound."

"Oh…ffff-"

"Pain." Alison went on.

"Stop please,"

" _Caressing,"_

"No. No."

"Gasping," Alison breathed out earning a muffled scream from Ty.

"What was that, Ty? I couldn't quite hear you. Add gags into the mix?  _Whatever you want, sister dear."_  She smiled, injecting more words into her masterpiece.

"Dammit, Alison! I'll never be able to look at either of them in the eyes again!"

"I hope you only looked them in the eyes."

"Ash!" Ty yelled, looking over to their third wheel. "Why are being so quie-Wait a minute…Are you reading that…that thing! How could you!" Ty demanded, almost sure that she was hallucinating what she was seeing. Ash, sitting cross-legged and staring at the devilish notebook sitting opened in his lap.

"I…I…"Ash stammered, slowly looking up from the clean crisp pages. He looked distant, like he went somewhere far away and hadn't completely come back. "I can't believe…it's actually pretty good."

"…Holy crap, really?" Ty asked in disbelief as Alison grinned smugly.

"I-I can't…It's very good. This thing…this piece of fiction…puts their rivalry into a whole new perspective and…makes the relationship look  _disturbingly_  possible. The characterization…the emotion and pictures the words paint make me want to praise it as well as throw myself off of a high tower," Ash explained, rubbing his forehead. "I was skeptical at first but I couldn't stop reading no matter how much I tried. The pacing and atmosphere were amazing. I don't want to say it but…now I might be rooting for them to get...togeth..toge..." Ash couldn't even finsh. "I'll never get the scene with the…the clawing out of my head. Never." Completely taken aback by Ash's complete change in character, Ty's jaw fell open and she couldn't even scowl at Alison.

"You should know by now, Ty," Alison chided, wagging her finger at Ty. "When it comes to my OTPs, I don't fucking mess around."

"Alison…"Ash began, sounding sort of desolate.

"Yes?"

"You didn't finish it…Could you…maybe?" He handed her back the book.

"…You want her to finish it?...Pass it here. Let me see it," Ty said, not sure what she was getting herself into.

"I knew you would come around sooner or later," Alison said, reaching out to pass Ty the safe-ish version. "I suggest reading the safer version first and reading the other when you feel more…adventurous."

"Am I going to regret this?" Ty asked, taking her time to take the book off of her sister's eager hands.

"Yes…and no," Alison said. Ash replied by covering his face with his hands and making a sound close to "mmmmmmegfffffffff."

Just as Ty's fingers brushed the cover of the book, a flash of light caught her attention. Another huge explosion went off directly next to their vantage point, creating a shockwave that swept across the battlefield. On reflex, Ty immediately grabbed ahold of Alison and Ash and dropped down on top of them to keep them grounded. Scrunching their eyes closed while trying their best to cling to the uneven ground, the three endured the shockwave of energy waiting until it died out. The moment it did, Ty got up and started to check her companions for wounds.

"Is everyone alright? Are there injuries?" Both of her friends shook their heads, still feeling a bit dazed. Cheering caught their attention and the three of them looked over their ledge to find warriors celebrating as they run down their injured adversaries. "It must have been a tactical maneuver," Ty said, using the glasses to check the area. "I'm not sure which side did it but it's only affecting this one area," Ty commented, scanning the rest of the battle grounds. "The people over on the far east side didn't notice anything and both the leaders seem unmoved so…it's just an explosion. Nothing out of the ordinary."

"Hey guys…where's the book?" Right away, they all scrambled around trying to locate the book, praying to whatever high power was looking down on them that it didn't fall over the edge.

"No one move!" Alison suddenly yelled, pointing to her book. It had slid over to the ledge and was hanging half way off.

"Alright, just move over there slowly and everything will be fi-" And of course a slight gust of wind makes the tiny, but dangerous, notebook fall over the edge as the three adventurers froze in place. Whatever high power they were praying to despised them greatly and now wished to see the universe scream when the wrong being found the book.

"C'mon guys," Ty laughed nervously. "What are the odds of someone finding that, reading it and sending it to one of the book's…main subjects?" The other adventurers on the crowded battle grounds, all hyper sensitive with a thirst for mayhem…

"I kinda made a few sketches of them in that one…" Alison smiled nervously.

Yup, they were getting the hell out of there.


	2. Don't Misunderstand

"I'm here to see Nulgath. Is he free?" Ty snapped at one of Nulgaths underlings standing guard outside of the Arch Fiend's tent. "If he isn't, get him anyway. I have matters of importance to discuss with him."

Dark clouds loomed above the day after Nulgath's defeat at the hands of Dage The Evil. Tehn again, that's like every day weather around here. There was a tense mood in the war camp. Nulgath's followers were lurking around and occasionally threw Ty a curious or murderous glance.

The overall sentiment towards the Champion of Evil was divided into awe, respect, fear, malice or a mix of all. This guard had fallen into the latter categories.

The guard growled at her insolence and she repeated herself in a snarl. While the bulkily armored guard literally towered over her and leered down with five bulging red eyes, brandishing a spear that could run her through in the next second, Ty stood her ground.

"Get him now. Empress Gravelyn has sent me. And even if she didn't, I'll rip your lungs out of your ass and turn it into a fucking animal balloon if I have to," She flashes a near psychotic grin. "In fact, that sounds appealing right now. Try me, you little shit."

The guard pondered his chances for exactly three seconds before he stepped aside and opened the flap of the tent for her to enter. He heard the stories about what happened to the last person who refused The Champions demands. At first, he didn't really think that some lanky child could effectively change some poor idiot's name to "Flopply Corkscrew McDickhead" (was it his head or…nether regions that now resemble a floppy corkscrew?) for the rest of his poor immortal life with only a twist of her wrist but looking into her eyes changed his mind completely.

It was like staring into an abyss. You couldn't see the bottom but you could feel something lurking down there. Something insidious and  _strange_ ready to lash out at anything _._ Even for the side of Evil, it was deeply disturbing.

"That's what I thought." She laughed, nose turned up as she entered the darkened tent. It was too bad. She really needed an outlet to let out some pent up frustration.

Alison's…notebook had fallen into the fray of battle the other day and there was still no sign of it. While the legionnaires and Nulgath's minions weren't acting any different, it still made her nervous. If the notebook falls into the wrong hands, she and her younger sister would be in deep shit. Maybe even

deeper shit than what happened in Doomwood.

She was still pretty fucking pissed about that. A punching bag would be pretty nice right about now.

With Evil's Civil War going on, however, she was in no position to dawdle around. Gravelyn, having been occupied with managing her end of the truce and brooding over the events in Doomwood, had already noticed the animosity and had decided to let it run its course with some discussion with Evil's Champion.

 _"I was waiting for this."_ Gravelyn had once said days before, seated on her throne as Ty spoke to her from the shadows.

 _"Let natural selection handle it,"_  Ty advised, nonchalantly leaning her back on the side of the throne.  _"Both, as far as I've seen, are loyal to you and ousting the weaker one will ultimately be beneficial. I won't have to deal with breaking up fights anymore either."_

 _"Where do your loyalties lie?"_ Gravelyn asked Ty, glancing back at her stoically.

 _"The incident wasn't that long ago. You already know the answer."_  Ty replied, irritated.

After that, Gravelyn had ordered Ty to oversee Dage and Nulgath's dispute to make sure nothing went out of hand. Nothing had so far. The war was pretty orderly. Dage had gained the first win but it seemed that Nulgath had some sort of plan going. If it wasn't for that damn notebook, everything would be smooth sailings.

The ship was nowhere near sailing smooth now. It had rammed into a hippo-shark that was now lodged in the hull and was threatening to explode into shit if the notebook isn't found.

From how Ash had described it, the story in there was a fucking masterpiece, realistic and sent unwanted chills down his spine. It seemed real enough to be true and that was why it was so dangerous.

The last few days, Alison, Ash and Ty had been desperately searching for the cursed book. Their hunt was interrupted by the win of the first battle by Dage's Legion and Gravelyn had requested that Ty pay the two commanders a visit and inform them that she would be meeting them. Gravelyn would arrive barely a moment after Ty to see how prepared they were.

Unfortunately, there was only one of Ty and she was too worried about the notebook to care much about taking the time to see both. She decided to get Alison and Ash to visit one of the commanders instead. She was planning on visiting Dage but as Alison put it:

_"There's no way I'm letting you go see Dage one on one. I'd feel much safer for him if you went to see Nulgath. The way you've been staring at his bony derriére, I'm afraid you'll lose it and steal his pelvis when he isn't looking and mount it over our fireplace."_

Ty scowled and pouted at the memory as she approached Nulgath.

The arch fiend stood at the back of the tall dark tent with his back towards Ty. There was nothing else in the tent besides Nulgath, candle stands by the sides of the tent for dramatic lighting and the Yin-Yang girls who were in the back kicking around a dummy with one of Dage's helmets on.

He was obviously expecting her.

"Isn't this a surprise," Nulgath stated, turning around to meet her stone gaze.

Liar.

Ty stepped towards him and the girls took no notice. They were too busy kicking around the Dage dummy like a hacky sack. Sighing, she coughs to clear her throat before addressing the arch fiend.

"I came to announce Empress Gravelyn's coming visit. I suppose you have something to say about your recent defeat?" Ty crossed her arms and leered at the arch fiend expectantly. In response, he rumbles out a deep laugh that held no obvious spite.

"So the Empress has noticed? This defeat is trivial at best," he strides closer intimidatingly and his shadow grew larger and more imposing. "Dage will grow much more overconfident. That was always his weakness," Nulgath said, unable to control the growl he made at the mention of Dage. "Do not expect to see him take victory again."

"Is that what you're going to say to her?" Ty rolled her eyes and glanced back at the girls. They were kicking the dummy high enough to reach the top of the tent. "She might want a better excuse than that. At least take your defeat gracefully." She looked right into his eyes for any sign of anger after giving him a reason to fight but all Ty saw was amusement.

"Your subtlety needs work."

"I am very fucking subtle." She retorted angrily before she could stop herself and cursed inwardly.

"Yes, I can see that," He humored her, talking like they were having a normal conversation between acquaintances. "But this is unusual. In fact, these last few weeks you have been acting strange. Ever since the events in Doomwood with the Empress and the Paladin, you are acting as if you have something to hide."

"What makes you think that? I've been the same as ever." Ty acted offended. "And even if I am troubled by something, it's none of your business. I didn't sell my soul to you. I don't even have a soul. Don't you have more pressing matters to concentrate on? You're being real easy going about the fact that you just lost legitimately to Dage. What are your mercs gonna think? Fighting for Dage looks mighty rewarding at the moment."

"That is not a concern." Nulgath replied calmly. "Though I am curious. Your position demands that you take no sides in this dispute. Say that you were no bound by your position. Who would you side with then?"

"This is entrapment," Ty stated, somewhat disappointed. "But I'll indulge you. I wouldn't side with either of you but I do find Dage more appealing."

"How blunt." Nulgath replied but he did not react any further.

"I'm not loyal to either of you and I haven't known you for too long so my preference is superficial at best. I enjoy Dage's style more even if he is a humorless ass. Good looking though. And I guess there's another reason too."

"And what would that be?" Nulgath questioned, motioning for her to get to the point.

Back in the corner of the tent, the girls were getting really into it. The Dage dummy was being kicked around everywhere.

"Hmmmmm, well what's the harm in telling. One of you is going to disappear anyway," Ty shrugged. "In most teacher or master against student or underling disputes, nine times out of eight I'll side with the latter."

"Is the preference also based on more…intimate experiences? You do seem to converse with my former student much more than with myself." Ty stared at him and nearly gagged. Who did he think he was now? A psychiatrist?

"Pffft, gross. He's not hard on the eyes and all but that's way too Oedipal for me," She stuck her tongue out before thinking on the comment for another second. "Maybe it'd be better to say that its half Oedipal. The way things are going now…" Ty began, wistful. "It reminds me of two very different people. One being my-

Once again, before anything on importance was shared, an uncanny coincidence happened. One of the Yin-Yang girls, Ty wasn't sure if it was Girly or Gothy, had kicked the Dage dummy particularly hard and the dummy went flying in Nulgath and Ty's direction. The two, being too absorbed in their small talk to notice, didn't react quick enough to slap away the dummy that flew over Ty's head and hit Nulgath in the face, crotch first.

Ty jumped back in surprise towards the entrance but finding that it was just the Dage dummy sliding down Nulgath's face, she was instantly reminded of her sister's master piece. Images popped into her head and she wrinkled her nose and brought up her arms defensively as if she had just walked into a room of rotting naked corpses arranged in a human pyramid frozen mid-can can.

Nulgath, who had previously tossed the Dage dummy over to the Yin-Yang girls to pass the time with, had let the dummy slide off of his head and fall backwards with its legs still wrapped around Nulgath's neck. He stared down at the dangling Dage dummy that clung to him with its surprisingly lithe legs, confused as the others were of the situation.

That was the moment that Empress Gravlyn had decided to appear. A red portal opened up in the tent and her majesty entered, took one look at the scene before her and froze mid-greeting.

To make matters worse, the guard and another minion poked their heads in after hearing a commotion inside the tent and gasped.

"Oh gods, it's canon." One of them breathed and the other was making choking noises. Whether he was disgusted, found it hilarious or was getting sweet shipping feels, no one had the answer. One of the Yin-Yang girls, probably girly, made a sound that was either a squeak or a squee.

Ty, hearing the two, concluded that "oh shit, they read the note book!" and swiveled to meet the Empress' gaze.

"I…uh…so this…I can't explain this." Ty said by accident. It wasn't that she couldn't explain it. She just didn't want to.

"I see." Gravelyn noted, voice unchanging. "It seems that my champion and I have interrupted you at a…private time," She addressed Nulgath who was still trying to get a good grasp on the situation. Before he could say anything, Gravelyn was already turning to leave and signaling Ty to follow after.

Ty rushed through the portal, vowing never to speak with Nulgath again, and stepped into Gravelyn's throne room back at Shadowfall. The portal closed behind her and what happened after they left was now up to speculation.

"Ty. There won't be a need for me to see Dage." Gravelyn declared, unmoving as ever. With that, she just left. Turned her back on Ty and walked out the door.

"So we aren't going to ever mention this again, right? Right." Ty concludes, seating herself on one of the steps leading up to Gravelyn's throne. "Now where's the brain bleach? I need at least a lethal dose." She muttered to herself, bringing out her bag. "I'll go find Alison and Ash later."


	3. Calm Yourself

"Where are they?" Laken grabbed one of the legionnaires by the collar and shook him violently.

"They couldn't have gotten far, sir! We'll get them!" Laken dropped the legionnaire on the ground and the others watched him warily. Lightning flashed overhead and thunder boomed. The commotion in the sky was nothing compared to Dage's wrath.

"What are you waiting for? Dage wants their souls to burn in eternal misery and despair. They have committed a great offence against our master. Find them. Now!" Laken snarled and the legionnaires disperse, charging off into the rocky, dark and barren wasteland of a battlefield.

Laken himself headed back to the camp ready to face Dage in all of his fury.

The scene grew quiet once again. Only the howl of the wind could be heard. And then-

"I can't believe that actually worked!" Alison laughed, amazed at herself. "But then again, my disguises are always perfect." She boasted, pulling off her disguise.

"These aren't disguises," Ash said bluntly. "We just sat here wearing paper bags over our heads while they discussed the best way to tear us to bits." Ash ripped the brown paper bag off of his head and threw it on the ground. The thing didn't even have any air holes! "Why did I even listen to you?"

"Hey, it worked didn't it?" Alison turned to Ash, annoyed. "You should be thanking me."

"Thanking you? This was all your fault in the first place!" Ash shouted angrily before clutching his nose in pain.

"How is it my fault? It's Dage's. He has like no sense of humor. He's overreacting over nothing." Alison scoffed, pulling out a potion from her satchel for Ash.

"Everything was going just fine! We went into his camp without any trouble, we were able to meet him and tell him about Gravelyn's visit without any trouble and we were about to leave without any trouble," He stressed. "-But no. You just had to do that." He complained, accepting the potion.

"Do what? Compliment him?"

"When he turned his back on us and let us go, you said "Why so tense, Sugar Buns?" before turning around and purposely letting your bag smack his behind. He freaked, swung around and fired a magical energy ball or whatever and it. Hit. ME!" Ash points to his face, shaking in fury. "Look at it! He broke my face!"

"Not your entire face. He broke your nose, cut up your cheeks and gave you a few burns and bruises with that attack." Alison corrected him, raising one finger. "And it isn't all that bad. Give it a few days and you'll look…passable." Alison wrinkled her nose and started to walk. Ash followed her lead, pulling out the cork of the potion bottle with his teeth gingerly. "But really, Dage was trying to aim for me and he completely missed. For the master of the Undead Legion, he sure is jumpy."

"Well I would be too if someone did that to me in front of all of my underlings," Ash grumbled. "You can technically call what you did sexual harassment with Dage being the victim. I just made a sentence that included "Dage," "Victim," and "Sexual Harassment." Why hasn't the sun exploded yet?" Ash groaned as they trudged on.

"Come on, Ash. I was just having fun. He should feel flattered."

"Shut up, right now." Ash warned, irritation level rising dangerously.

"Some of the other legionnaires thought it was funny. They snickered. They were pretty swell." Alison said, looking back to check if anyone was trailing them.

"Do you know what they also were? Undead. Now they're just dead. Because Dage made them explode! They are all dead!" Ash started to shout and waved his arms wildly. "All they did was laugh a little and Dage killed them because of you!"

"Whoa there. That was Dage's, not me. He's almost as big of a drama queen as Dorkath." Alison laughed, thinking back and thought to herself that Dage brought up memories of Josephine as well.

"Oh really now. How so?" Ash asked sarcastically. "How did he "react badly" to whatever little "joke" you played on him?" Ash made quotations with his fingers.

A crow cawed loudly on a nearby barren burned tree but Ash yelled at him to shut up. He wasn't having a very good day. He hadn't had a good day in a while.

"Remember that one time on Father's Day?" Alison asked and Ash muttered something close to "you're terrible" under his breath as she went on. "I morphed into a headless version of his dad while holding the severed head under my arm and snuck up on him when he was sitting on our couch waiting for Ty. I threw the head on to his lap and he freaked out before he jumped out the nearest window. Haha, we were on the third floor!" She laughed, close to hysterics. "It was just a joke and he jumped out a fucking window. That was priceless. You should have seen him." She skipped along as Ash glowered.

"I did," Ash deadpanned, not amused in the slightest. "I was walking back to the house with Ty when out of nowhere, he slammed stomach first on the ground right next to us. We were going to help him up but he sprung up before we could do anything. He was paler than a ghost, shaking uncontrollably and looked like he wanted to throw up and murder someone simultaneously. But then he noticed us, coughed, brushed the grass off of himself, grabbed Ty, hugged her right in front of me for three whole minutes, told her that he just wanted to say hi and that you-" Ash pointed at Alison accusingly. "-were "a motherfucking asshole that should go burn in a fire," his words not mine, went back inside to Ty's room, closed the door and didn't leave for  _a week."_  Ash emphasized, out of breath and out of patience. "Sure he's a bastard but even for you that was pretty dang awful. Ty stopped leaving him alone with you after that. What is wrong with you?"

"Ah, Ty was overreacting too," Alison mused. "Did you know? She came straight to me, hugged me around my waist and threw me through the roof."

"Yeah, I saw. You flew straight through the roof. I heard Ty screaming something obscene at you. What was it?"

"I didn't hear. The wind was too loud." Alison shrugged again. "She was really stressed out though. That was always the problem with Ty and Kathy. They freak out over everything and half of the time it was because of each other that they stressed out so much."

"And you. All of you caused a lot of trouble for them." Ash leered at her but Alison didn't react.

"Really, they both should calm down but I guess now it's impossible because of douchekath. Just when you think he's finally grown a spine, he turns around and bam, he's the biggest tool in the shed. Again. And Ty hasn't been doing well since then. Remember last October?"

"The whole collector incident?"

"Yeah, after you both got back from your excursion, Ty was acting strange," Alison commented. "We were relaxing by the fountain with Ty sitting on the side in near fetal position. A bard came by and started playing on his...what are those things called?"

"A lute?"

"Yup, that's right. It was a lute."

"I was there too y'know." Ash sighed, frustrated.

In fact, nearly everyone in Lore was there. Everyone saw or at least heard of Ty's mental breakdown back in October.

It was a pretty sunny day in Battleon. Not a cloud in the sky and the temperature was perfect for anything from monster hunting to calling Ash a noob. But then again, any day was a good day to call Ash a noob. Years had passed and not one day was a bad day to call Ash a noob.

Ty, however, just got back from dealing with the collector incident with Ash. Both were…

"The sun is too fucking bright," Ty said through chattering teeth, shielding her eyes from the cursed sun. "I can't even fucking see."

Ash may have heard her but was already half way slipping into the fountain while making a death rattle in the back of his throat.

Needless to say, everyone else kept their distance.

"Cheer up, babes," Alison tried to shake them back into reality but only succeeded in pushing Ash into the fountain. If she didn't pull him back up, he would have let himself drown. It was just that kind of day. "I made cupcakes guys! And I promise, I didn't make them out of people named Mary this time."

"Listen to la belle chérie mon amis," A bard walks over dressed in bright colorful attire unique to Mythsong. Strumming his lute, he knelt by the three and cooed "What is the matter my dears?" The bard performs a tune of a mournful aria.

Alison, pleased by the attention, clasps her hands together and brought them up to her cheek in a sign of appreciation.

Ty just started to mutter about how too fucking bright was and that she wanted to go home and eat while Ash just stared off into space. Every now and then, for a split second he would get a pained expression like he had caught his foot in a bear trap but then it would disappear into the void without leaving a trace like his hopes and dreams had.

"Oh mon dieu, it seems much worse than I thought. What has happened to these poor souls?" The bard asked sorrowfully.

"Don't mind them, ever since the incident they've been like this. In fact, you guys didn't actually tell me exactly what it was." Alison glared at her companions and Ty glared back with double the intensity and discontent while Ash just slid back into the fountain.

"Was it a lover's spat?" The bard tries guessing. Ty tsked and turned her head away while Ash burst out into near maniacal laughter.

"Hahahahahahhahahaaaahahaahahaahahahaha," He inhaled sharply. "Hahahahahahahahahahaah, a spat." He chuckled like it was the funniest joke he heard in years.

"Ah, right on the first guess," The bard closed his eyes thoughtfully and sighed. "It's almost always the reason."

"You don't even know the half of it." Alison giggled evilly behind her hand, trying to muffle the sound.

"Shut up, Alison." Ty scowled darkly, balling her hands into tight fists.

"Fine ladies like you shouldn't be this way or feel this way," the bard chided, moving closer to Ty. Alison thought Ty was going to hiss at him but all she did was stare at his lute and went into deep thought. "Perhaps a song will ease you. Or maybe you'd like to learn how to express your feelings. It is quite cathartic. I'd think it would soothe your troubled soul."

Ty raised a brow at the colorful bard weighing whether punching him in the teeth of kicking him in the teeth would get him to go away. An idea popped in to her head suddenly and she reached out towards the bard's lute.

"Give it here." She beckoned, expression blank and desolate.

"You know how to play?" The bard and Alison asked at the same time. Ash was just blowing bubbles in the fountain.

"When did you learn?" Alison tried asking further but the lute was already in Ty's hands and she strummed.

A perfect E major sang from the lute. She strummed the beautiful E major again and again….and again and again. In fact, she didn't know any other chords besides E major. Work with what you got they say.

Around the ten minute mark of the endless E major, the bard tried to ask her if she wanted to learn some other chords but something unearthly and ethereal came out of her mouth.

Ty began to sing. Words that caught the ears of all the citizens in Battleon rang across town. Eyes widened to the splendor of such supernatural lyrics that shook each and every one to their very core.

" _ **Fuuuuuuuck,**_

_**Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk,** _

_**whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy,** _

_**FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK,** _

_**WAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII , FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUCK**_!"

"Hey, are you-"

" **WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYY,**

**Son of a FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! "**

The bard, Ash and even Alison gaped at her loud wailing, which was of course in perfect E major, and so did everyone else. Someone would have stopped her immediately if it wasn't for the fact that it was so bizarre. She just kept strumming that same E major chord and doing  _that_.

"Ah, mon chérie?" The bard tried to get her attention. A large crowd was gathering.

**_"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuUuUuUuUuUuUC CCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!"_ **

Unfortunately, she was really getting into it.

And so was everyone else.

The song was so simple yet extremely deep. It spoke to everyone.

Just came out of a messy break up? This was your song.

Lost your job for no fucking reason? This was your song.

Your burrito that you've been standing in line for the past three hours for dropped on the ground? This was your song.

Stubbed your foot on a log? This, again, was the song that spoke truth.

Mesmerized by the song that sang through everyone's souls, they all gathered around the fountain. The bard watched in horror as Alison doubled over in laughter.

"Aren't you going to stop her?" The bard moved behind Alison to protect himself.

Already the groupies were coming to lie by Ty's feet. Someone in the back was crying and laughing hysterically about injustice and the meaning of life being forty two.

"Oh don't worry," Alison breathed, trying to keep herself from breaking back into laughter. "She'll get tired eventually."

Eight hours later, the sun was going down and she was still going. If anything, Ty was getting more energetic and now she was basically screaming. And so was the huge crowd. They were egging Ty on and wailing along as well.

"Tragically beautiful." Alison shook her head at the on-going scene and wiped away an imaginary tear.

"Where are the guardians?" The bard sobbed in fetal position beside Alison as she watched the chaos. It wasn't bad right now. The audience was being orderly and just watching and singing along badly. All of that could be kicked up a notch with the right push.

The captain of the guardians of Battleon was right at the front, singing along after he found out that one of his charges ate the pudding he left in the fridge for lunch earlier that day.

"Hey mister, stand up please?" Alison smiled down pleasantly at him, amping up the charm.

"Yes?" The bard looked up and began to stand. Alison grabbed his shoulders, hauled him up and shoved him towards Ty. The bard stumbled too close and Ty noticed mid-lyric.

In an instant, Ty swung the lute and it collided with the bard's jaw. The bard gets knocked on his back and Ty pounds on him with the lute, his arms flailing up every time it hits.

"You. Stupid. Son. Of. A. Bitch!" She emphasized each word with a strike of the lute. "What the hell do you mean "I don't remember who you are," god fucking damn it! I was the one who fucking de-flower-" The rest of her sentence was blocked by one of the bard's screams. "All of the shit that everyone had to go through and now we have to go through more? What the fuck is wrong with you?" She shouted angrily at the idiot who wasn't there. "You. Are. Useless!"

Ty suddenly stopped in mid-strike, contemplating before going back to wailing on the poor bard.

"Sorry." She struck the bard again. "That. Was. Overdoing. It. BUT YOU ARE STILL A MOTHER FUCKER!" One last strike obliterated the lute into a shower of woodchips. The bard was a whimpering mess and Alison was practically rolling on the ground with glee. Ash was still moping in the fountain.

At that point, the crowd had decided that the best course of action was to start an all-out brawl. Fists flew, kicks were landed and all pretense of civility was hanged, drawn, quartered, set on fire and forced through a cheese grater.

Every warrior, mage, cleric, rogue, civilian, horse, leg and cup of coffee was going on a rampage. Smoke began to rise from the fray and a cow was thrown into the air. People were taking out their past frustrations on each other and if "Waltz of the Flowers" was playing, the whole scene could have been called discordantly graceful by a sociopath.

"What do you mean it was my fault? I wasn't the one who decided that it was a good idea!" A warrior landed a right hook to the mage beside him.

"That was my kill you free-loader!" A rogue elbowed a cleric by the fountain.

"I told you that was my mom, you freak!" A dragon slayer threw a warrior across the crowd.

"Eh Macarena!" Some person yelled gleefully. No one was sure exactly of what that person was doing but only that it involved the Macarena and a stuffed blue cat.

"You suck dicks!" Ty swung the neck of the lute at a passing brawler. A grin was plastered on her face and Alison smiled harder.

Mission accomplished.

The brawl didn't stop until everyone was on the ground either passed out or just exhausted. By then, the bard had fled the scene and no one saw him ever again.

"That was one great party," Alison smiled to herself, back to the present. "We went home and ate my cupcakes too. They were made of people named Josh that time. I guess you guys didn't like the Mary ones."

"What was that?" Ash asked, not catching what Alison had said, being too absorbed into his own memories.

"Nothing. Nothing at all," Alison shook her head and kicked aside a rock. "But you know, you guys never told me why you were so high strung that day. You looked so grumpy and scary I was afraid you'd kill someone."

"You're the one worried about that?" Ash said, sarcasm dripping down his chin. "But didn't we tell you about the… _collector_  incident."

"Refresh my memory."

"That October…Ty and I got caught by this inter-dimensional time traveler guy who liked to collect people with great fates. Among the people caught were myself, Ty, these band members and…" Ash grimaced, clenching his teeth together.

"And? And who, Ash?" Aaaaaaaaash." Alison complained, grabbing Ash's arm and shaking it.

"It was…well who do you think it was?" Ash asked her, irritated at himself and at that idiot. "Who do you think works Ty and I up so much?"

"How did he get caught?" Alison asked, surprised. "Or…you said that collector guy was a time traveler, right?" Alison began to smirk mischievously. "How old did our idiot loser look?"

"Ten probably." Ash wiped a stray droplet of blood that dripped from his still healing nose and stared straight ahead.

"Ooooooh. So you ran into Baby D?" Alison poked Ash in the cheek. It should have hurt like bejeezus but Ash didn't notice. "You certainly came out of it drained. What about Ty? How did she react?"

"It was like any other quest thingy. She was fine but then he came out of that house and…"

"What? What did she do?" Alison grew excited, bouncing up and down as they walked.

"I was surprised actually. She didn't do anything too drastic like that time we went to the Mirror Realm. Ty took one look at him, stared for three seconds and walked off to go chop down a tree.

"What?"

"She took one of the axes out of her bag, walked away and started to chop down a tree."

"But why?"

Ash shrugged.

"I have absolutely no idea."

"Then what happened! Give me all the details!" Alison demanded enthusiastically. "What did she do with baby Derekath Tsunwrath?"

"Did you run out of nicknames for him?" Ash sighed, dragging his feet along as they walked. "Why are we avoiding using his name anyways?"

"I've had it up to here with Lost Lenore's, y'kow," Alison said, becoming serious. "It's because-" Alison halted abruptly, raising her arm in front of Ash to stop him. She looked towards the horizon in the distance and watched it cautiously

"Is something happening?" Ash asked, frightened.

"I'm not sure. I just felt something go-"

Just then, a huge explosion goes off miles behind them. Even then, it was enough to fling them forward and off of their feet. The sound of the blast resembled that of a furious roar. The force of that outrage threw Ash and Alison across the barren field into a column of stone and Ash broke some of his ribs.

Alison was completely fine and laughed at the sound of cracking bones because injuries were funny.

A cloud rose from the site of the explosion. Instead of being mushroom shaped, it was the shape of a skull which slowly dissipated into a pillar of smoke vaguely resembling two baguettes wrapped around each other.

As the two fell to the ground when the power of the blast's shockwave wore off, Ash groaned cupping his hands over his ears and wincing at the ringing in them. Alison, unfettered and composed, stood up and examined the rising smoke in the distance.

"Looks like somebody was mad." She commented, whistling.

"Was it Dage?" Ash groaned, feeling his cracked ribs.

"Dage's camp is in the other direction. That was Nulgath." Alison explained, kneeling beside him and putting a hand on his side. She muttered a few words and her hand glowed golden as it healed the bones.

"Ty was going there. Is she okay?" Ash became worried.

"She's fine. I don't feel her distress," Alison shook her head. "But yikes, Nulgath's usually more level headed. Whatever happened must have really…"

"The notebook!" They both came to the same conclusion and Ash quickly stands up. Getting dizzy, he almost collapses on the ground again but Alison catches him.

"Whoa there now. Looks like we'll have to get out of here really quick," Alison materializes a red portal with a wave of her hand, much to Ash's disbelief and exasperation.

"Why were we walking then?"

"I wanted to walk and talk." Alison wrapped Ash's arm around her shoulder and helped him up.

"…Fine. But do you really think that explosion was because of your notebook?"

"We'll find out eventually," Alison said as they stepped through the portal and into the courtyard of Shadowfall.

The two came face to face with Empress Gravelyn. Ash was about to salute in respect to her but froze when he saw what was in her hands. A very familiar book was opened in the Empress' hands. All three stared at the book in silence before the Empress calmly closed the book and hid it behind her back.

Ash and Alison, sensing the awkwardness of the situation, nodded slowly to her respectfully, turned away and headed off to the throne room.

Gravelyn watched them go and waited until they were rounded the corner before she took the book out again. She flipped to the page that she was previously on and read.

Her expression contorted in disgust and she raised her hand to set the book on fire but stopped, sighed deeply and continued reading.

"I hate you." She whispered to the book as she reread the same scene for the twentieth time. The clawing scene was never going to leave her mind.


	4. Is This The Time to Think About Daddy Issues?

"Ty?"

"Oh, you're back from talking to Dage? Did he get the message?" Ty greeted her sister and one of her two best friends.

She had been sitting at the foot of Gravelyn's throne, idling and thinking about happier times to erase the ugly picture that still stained her brain.

"Sort of," Ash smiled sheepishly as he walked over to sit beside Ty with Alison. "He knows that Gravelyn will visit him but…I don't think we should ever see either of them again."

"I support that plan." Ty nodded.

"Awww, I want to see what happens to them at the end." Alison began to mope.

"Eh." Ash shrugged, taking a look around the Evil Empress' throne room. He had been there before on Champion business but he was always too concentrated on getting out alive even when Ty was there to defend him.

"Do you ever get mad about it?" Alison asked, leaning back to glance at the throne where Gravelyn sat and where Sepulcher once sat.

"About what?" Ty tapped her knees, thinking about what to get for dinner and who to avoid when she went grocery shopping.

"About serving Sepulcher's daughter? It irks you sometimes, right?" Ash cringed at Alison's question. No, Alison. They didn't need another air lute solo with casualties!

"Not as much as it did before," Ty shook her head. "Sometimes I get mad but Gravelyn's not all that bad if you talk to her enough. It's not what I expected from someone who was fathered by Sepulcher."

"What do think makes a good father?"

"Uh, why are you asking me? I'm no good at taking care of kids. I can't stand kids most of the time."

"Then what about stuff your dad did when he was taking care of you?" Ash asked, glad that the topic was going somewhere else. Alison's elbow touched his arm but he didn't take any notice.

"Um…" Ty took a moment to think back. A memory came to mind and it made her grin. "A bunch of times when I was really little, my dad would sit me on his lap and make me bounce up and down, saying "bouncy bouncy bouncy!" and laugh with me. It was a small thing but it was really cute. My mom loved it too. If ever I want kids, gods forbid, I'd like the daddy to do something like that."

Ash pictured baby Ty bouncing on her dad's lap pretending she was riding a horse and it made him smile too. He thought about how he would raise a kid. For sure he'd play with them and bouncing them on his lap sounded like no problem. It sounded adorable.

Artix would make a cool dad too. He'd make them little wooden swords and pretend to slay undead with them. That'd be awesome. But Artix would probably be the type who'd play with his kid by throwing him up into the sky, encourage his kid to pretend to fly and then accidentally throw them too high and get them stuck in a tree. Huh.

Warlic would be a great dad. He'd teach his kids magic and amaze them with tricks while they were still in the crib, finding their smiles more amazing then his own magic. He wouldn't be the type to bounce his children on his lap. Ash couldn't really picture that.

Cysero.

"Oh no." Ash gulped.

"What?" his friends asked. "Something wrong?"

"Cysero as a dad."

"I can't…uh," Ty scratches the back of her head. "Eh…the best I could hope for is that he'd dress his children in nothing but left socks and canola oil."

"I think he'd be a fun dad," Alison grins almost evilly. "You could make a sit-com about that."

Galanoth would be a strict dad but he'd be very caring. He'd teach their kids about the danger of dragons, how to kill dragons, the history of killing dragons killing dragons killing dragons killing dragons killing dragons dragons dragons dragons dragons dragons dragonsdragonsdragonsdragonsdragons.

"Kill all the dragons." Ash imagined Galanoth whispering that into the ears of his children as he bathed them in dragon blood and-

"Okay, I think staying in here is making me go crazy-" Ash laughed nervously. "Maybe we should get some air, huh?"

"Sure. Let's take a walk then." Ty sat up and offered a hand to Ash.

As they walk out into the courtyard, Ash began to think about King Alteon and his princesses.

He would be the type to bounce them up and down on his knees to make them laugh as he looked at the watch on his wrist to predict when he was going to have a son-

"Stop!" Ash ruffled his hair to erase that terrible image from his mind. King Alteon would never do that. What was he thinking?

"You okay, Ash?" Ty asked, concerned.

"Uh, you know when you're just walking and a stupid idea comes to mind? Yeah."

"Oh. Yeah, I get stuff like that too." Ty agreed, crossing her arms as they continued to walk.

"What do you want for dinner?" Alison asked her sister but Ash was already thinking about the next would-be-father.

Rolith and Alina would be great parents. Ash imagined them in Alina's home as Rolith watched her dreamily while she worked on her potions and their kid accidentally drinks one and its face melts off and-

"Noooooooooo!" Ash screamed. What's going on?

"Ash? Are you sure you're okay?" Ty and Alison stopped to look at him again.

"Fine. It was just another y'know." Ash shrugged to keep his friends from worrying.

"Ooookay…So I guess I'll go out to Greenguard and grab one of those pigs-" Ty continued while Ash started to imagine another scenario.

Okay, this time Rolith and Alina are out in the woods with their child. They're all holding hands and every now and then, Alina and Rolith would lift their child off the ground and go "weeee!" See, now that's cute.

And then a sneevil runs by, Rolith drops his kid who begins to cry, brandishes his hammer and blood is everywhere oh no. Why? The kid is crying. Blood is everywhere. Why aren't you saving them, Ash? Why aren't you saving them? All the children are crying blood. The sea is turning red. Why?

"What's happening to me?" Ash sobbed quietly into his hands.

Maybe moving on would be a better idea. Um, how about Zhoom? Yeah, Zhoom would turn his kids into heroes and great rangers! He'd-

"Why is daddy never home?" Ash imagined Zhoom's child in his faceless mother's embrace.

"He's chasing another bad guy, dear. He'll come back one day."

"But mooooooooooommmmmmmmmm, iiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttsssss bbbeeeeeeennnnn tweeeeennnnnnttttyyyy yyyyyeeeeaaaaarrrrrrrrrs."

The daydream became a nightmare as the image morphs into a deformed cat fused with Twilly asking for sweet and sour blueberry juice.

Ash didn't say anything that time. He just sat down silently as the others continued without him.

"C'mon. I need to think of something nice. Who's left?" Ash went into fetal position and started to rock back and forth.

Oh drat. There was only one person he could think of left. The one he knew probably would have wanted heirs from Ty. The jerk that ruined everything. Prince Dorky McHomeless himself.

"Ty? Where are you?" Ash imagined the jerk wailing along with the crying baby in his arms. "Why is it crying like its being brutally murdered? I didn't even do anything!" He rocks the baby back and forth in his arms. "Are you hungry? Are you tired? I'm tired. You haven't shut up for four hours! You want to cry? Well I want to cry! Ty, where the fuck are you?" The jerk shouted, making the baby cry louder. "Fuck, I'm sorry."

The jerk sat the crying baby into the crib that Ash imagined appearing beside him.

"What do you want from me?" The jerk demanded, staring through the crib's bars at the wailing baby. "Uh….Uh…I…maybe the baby wants money." Dazed, he begins throwing gold coins into the crib. "Why couldn't we just get a nurse maid? I just want to sleep." He began to cry along with his baby as he kept throwing money into the crib. "Why isn't it working? Why did we name the baby after Ash?"

"Daddy," A small girl walked into the baby room and tugs on her father's clothes. "The Alteon Queen's son broke in again and he's trying to hit it up with big brother again. Daddy, what does 'hit it up mean?' and daddy, the dragon is eating the baby's vomit again. The baby vomited on your shoes. Its eating your shoes."

"Ty, where the…frottage are you?" He wailed again, careful not to swear in front of his daughter but said something even more vulgar by mistake. "I can't do this!"

"You're the one who said you wanted more! Oh and I'm back," Ash imagined Ty running in on the scene with a baby bottle and a bottle of whiskey. To the jerk's horror, she shoved them into the jerk's arms and told him "Three drops into the milk and the babe will be out like a candle light. Poof," Ty smiled down at the baby swimming in the crib filled with gold coins. "Awww, the baby inherited your greed. How cute," She tapped the baby on the head as it screeched like a siren. "Now if you excuse me, I'm going to teach our son how to properly cover up a murder and then we'll have ice cream. See you later, babe." She flashes a peace sign and ran out the door without looking back.

"Ty I-" The jerk frowned, knowing that Ty was already too far away for her to hear him. He looked at the bottle of whiskey longingly before he set it on a nearby table far from his children's reach and tries to offer the baby the bottle of milk.

"Oh dear Lorithia," Ash buried his face into his knees. "He's a better parent than Ty. What in the- Wait, now that I think about it, what would their kids be like?"

Immediately, horrors filled his mind. Fire rained down from the skies, the oceans turned into oil and was lit up by the fire. Parents ate their children after forcing them to go to school and suddenly Ash was married to a rock. The rock wife turns to him and she opens her mouth to scream and scream and scream.

"Hey Ash?"

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO!" Ash jumped to his feet and ran off into the dark halls of Shadowfall, scaring one of the skeletons as he ran.

"Alison, you assfuck!" Ty cursed at her giggling sister. "Why did you do that to him?"

"Well, I was bored and since I didn't have my notebook with me," She pulled out a bound purple spell book. "I found this book and decided to test one of the ones on mind altering on Ash. The result is wonderful."

"Alison, I don't want to talk to you at least until tomorrow." Ty shook off the urge to throw her sister over the walls and ran off to catch Ash.

"Ash, wait! Come back! Calm down and let's go get some ice cream! Ice cream fixes everything! Even mental scarring!"


	5. Stop Talking Unless You Have A Death Wish

The day after Dage the Evil's surprise victory over Nulgath, the world had settled down if only for a short while.

The heroes who had fought against each other during the bloody fiasco were now greeting each other as old friends in the not so quiet town of Battleon. With the conflict over, there was no reason for any immediate bloodshed.

Mostly.

After managing to cause chaos on both sides of the Nulgath and Dage clash, the three friends-soon-to-be-bitter-enemies decided to hide out in the Battleon inn to wait the trouble out.

Of course, as soon as the trouble blew over, things got too boring for a certain monster. And when things became too boring, it got dangerous.

"Hey, Ash?" Ty said, pulling up her hood. There seemed to be a chill in the air. "Do you ever have one of those days where you wake up and say 'oh boy. I can tell that this is going to be a shitty day. I really should just roll over and die' or something along those lines?"

Had Ash been fully conscious, he would have replied 'But that's been every day.' Instead, Ty's words bounced off of him and flew into the abyss.

"C'mon, Ash. It's been weeks." Ty heaved a heavy sigh, her shoulders slumping as Alison yawned.

Just then, the door of the inn swung open and in walked the ranger from the Sandsea. An idea to ward off boredom formed in Alison's head and like most ideas that spewed forth from her mind, it wasn't safe for any mortal's soul.

"Zhoom? What are you doing here?" Ty noticed the ranger enter the inn, stuffing another spoon of vanilla ice cream to a still very catatonic Ash.

He hadn't recovered from his mental breakdown and kept muttering nonsense as the white cream dribbled down his chin.

Alison would have made a crude comment about this but her attention had already turned to the half-elf.

"Greetings, Ty," Zhoom bowed to his old friend before nodding politely to Yulgar who was behind the juice bar. "The war between the forces of evil has ended with a clear victor. I was coming to see if the relations between the heroes of Battleon have remained civil."

"So you're here to see if we haven't started to put bounties on each other for obscene amounts of gold."

"Basically."

"Some things never change." Ty and Zhoom laughed together.

"But what about you?" Zhoom pulled out an empty chair and sat himself down between Ty and Alison. "I've heard rumors that you disappeared after the first victory on Dage's side. And another thing, is he okay?" Zhoom frowned at Ash's empty-eyed stare.

"No," Ty stated bluntly, shaking her head as she glared at her sister. "Absolutely not."

"Twenty years." Ash mumbled, briefly glancing at Zhoom.

"Oh and you see, some stuff happened and now I can't look Nulgath in the eye anymore and Alison isn't allowed to go see Dage and they won't tell me why," Ty coughed into her fist, eyes shifting from one end of the inn to the other. "Luckily, Dage booted Nulgath out of this dimension like a busty bikini model body slamming the competition away from the camera and off of the boat. I don't need to see that creep ever again."

"Interesting choice of comparison," Zhoom said, checking around the inn as he tried to push the strange picture that he had conjured up to the back of his mind. "I see that no one's taking the result of the conflict to heart."

Heroes from both sides of the war were conversing in the crowded inn like what had transpired the day before had never happened at all. Members of Dage's Legion and Nulgath's Army were standing side by side discussing the weather, organizing adventuring parties and talking about that one weirdo who thought that AQworlds was a dating game and that he was a stud.

"You're out of luck around here, Zhoom," Ty smirked as she dabbed the vanilla smears off of Ash's mouth with a napkin. "We only get rowdy when items and gold are at stake. I think both leaders already knew that."

"I suppose it is so," Zhoom grinned, feeling a sort of relief wash over him. That relief was sucked into the dark void when he noticed that Alison had gained a strange interest in his chest. "So, what have you been doing to keep busy? Whatever you had been doing when you disappeared without a trace that one time?" Zhoom continued, attempting to ignore the undressing stare.

At that, Ash snapped out of his stupor and shivered, reminded of the time Ty had decided to coop herself up in her own house for a week and a half.

She didn't tell anyone so her friends assumed that she had gone on an adventure by herself but usually someone would get a message from her after a few days.

Conveniently at the same time, the bandits activity in the West had ceased almost completely. Once Ty had emerged from her home, the bandits returned at full force with a renewed vigor, giving her and the other adventurers more than enough to handle

"You never did tell us what you were doing that whole time." Zhoom said.

"Yeah, Ty," Alison smirked, her eyes still trained on Zhoom's chest. "Just  _what_  exactly were you  _doing_  so hard?"

"I want to know too," Ash said, making Ty jump and almost drop the spoon in surprise. Flustered, Ty juggled the spoon until she got a firm hold of the stiff handle. The sticky vanilla ice cream dripped from her fingers as her face reddened from the memory. "What were you  _doing_?" Ash asked, a hint of accusation in his voice.

Zhoom watched the three, wondering if he was missing something important.

Steadily, Ty breathed in and straightened her posture and cape. Regarding the others with calm disinterest, she placed the bent spoon on the table and wiped her hands in a nearby napkin. Leaning herself on the table, she raised her hand and Yulgar came by and placed a small glass cup and a green bottle on the table.

"From your private stash." Yulgar said before moving on to clean another table.

In a lax manner, Ty grabbed the neck of the bottle and poured the clear liquid into the cup, staring levelly into Ash's eyes, making him sink in his chair.

Zhoom read the label on the side of the bottle, squinting to make sure he wasn't seeing things.

_100% Bad Boy Tears. Extra Bitter._

Zhoom flinched as Ty downed the entire cup in less than a second before slamming it back on the table and smiling brighter than a group of light elementals at a rave party.

"It wasn't anything I couldn't handle," Ty shook her head and laughed jubilantly, having gained color and strength from the strange drink. "I had good company and they stuck around for the clean up."

Ash gulped and folded his hands neatly on his lap. Alison nodded and leaned in closer to Zhoom's chest.

The air around the table became heavy and at another table nearby, a necromancer's nose began to bleed from the sudden rise in pressure.

"Anyways…" Ty pushed the cup aside and took a swig from the bottle. "I'm expecting a call today. The Empress will summon me back to Shadowfall and we will discuss how to handle Dage's victory," Ty sighed, anticipating the boring ordeal. "I bet I'll get to hear the full brunt of his smug gloating for the next century. I mean his butt is nice and all but then he starts talking and it's all downhill from there." Ty muttered that last part only loud enough for Ash to hear, making him shudder.

"Ty, you do know that you are always welcome to come back anytime you…Alright, what are you looking at?" Zhoom turned to Alison, unable to ignore her staring any longer.

Alison didn't answer immediately. Rubbing her chin thoughtfully and nodding to herself, she sat back up and said "I was just checking to see if the rumors I heard were true."

"What rumors?" Zhoom narrowed his eyes and Ty and Ash exchanged a worried glance. Ty took the bottle off of the table, worried that what was about to ensue would spit the table down the middle.

"The one about how elves can shoot streams of razzle-dazzle from their nipples when they're mad." Alison announced loudly enough for the adventurers on the second floor to hear.

All commotion in the inn died down as Zhoom's jaw became slack. Glasses were dropped and the air in the room went dead still. All eyes had turned to him either from morbid curiosity or creeping dread.

Wordlessly, Ash and Ty stood and left the table, heading for an empty one on the other side of the inn.

"Pssst," A cleric leaned over to a necromancer. "Are we allowed to say the word…" She looked over her shoulder nervously. "Are we allowed to say nipple?"

The necromancer flinched, assuming the worst was about to happen. His worries were met by silence as Alison reclined back in her chair with a smug grin, making a tweaking motion with her thumb and index finger at Zhoom's chest.

"If that's the case-" Alison said, hearing the cleric's concern. "Let me reword it. Zhoom, is it true that elves can shoot streams of razzle-dazzle from their sensitive chest raisins when they're mad? And since you're half-sand elf, does that mean you can only shoot with one?"

"What kind of nonsense are you going on about?" Zhoom asked through clenched teeth. The muscles in his arms strained to keep themselves under control and a vein was bulging out in his neck.

Their audience watched cautiously and the only sounds that could be heard in the inn were the bated breaths of the adventurers and the shuffling of those on the second floor, trying to slide closer to get a better look.

"What's razzle-dazzle?" Ash asked Ty from behind a group of adventurers that they would use as shields when the situation became ugly.

To the question, Ty shook her head and bit down on her lip. If the rumor that Alison supposedly heard was right, they were all going to drown in razzle-dazzle anyway.

"They also say that the prettier the elf is, the higher the velocity the stream shoots," Alison kept pressing, disregarding the safety of the other lives in the inn. "If that's also true then I expect yours to have the strength of a rusty water fountain."

Zhoom was speechless and unable to decide whether to take offense to Alison's comment or not. Pumping her head full of arrows was starting to sound like a good alternative.

"Well, Zhoom does look kinda scary sometimes." The cleric whispered to the necromancer again.

"You know what?" Zhoom took the bow that was slung over his shoulder and threw it to the side. "I won't even need that," He said, brandishing an arrow. "I'll stuff it down your throat myself!"

Zhoom lunged for Alison over the table as the girl cackled madly, spreading her arms to will Zhoom to attack. The adventurers gasped and some were about to either flee or join the fray.

Yulgar acted first, jumping in to grab Zhoom around his waist and dragged him off of the table.

"Just let me stab her! Just once!" Zhoom struggled in Yulgar's sturdy grip.

"Sorry, Zhoom. No fights are allowed inside the inn. Both of you, take it outside."

"Careful kiddies!" Alison called out to the audience. "If you look directly at the streams, you'll go blind from the fabulousness."

All at once, the adventurers began to scramble and scatter in a panic. It sounded unbelievable but Lore was built on impossibilities. The fact that elves could shoot streams of razzle-dazzle from their raisins wasn't that hard to stomach.

"Can razzle-dazzle pierce through walls?" An adventurer flipped a small table over and about twenty and a half people jumped behind it.

"Let me stab her! It'll create world peace, I'm sure of it!" Zhoom shouted, gripping the arrow so hard that the shaft had snapped.

"Calm yourself!" Yulgar kept Zhoom in place.

"Yulgar, it's totally fine if you want to throw us out," Ty called over to the man, keeping her spot in the back of the inn. "Just do it. We deserve it."

"I've let stranger conversations fly in this place." Yulgar sighed.

"I'm quite comfortable here, thank you very much," Alison snickered, playing with the ribbons on her dress. "I've been so bored lately without Marshmallow Buns to make fun of and Sugar Buns is way too easy to rile up. Besides, Zhoom was the one who resorted to violence first. Control that temper of yours. Your raisins'll leak and make a mess everywhere."

Zhoom could no longer use real words to voice his rage.

"Hey," Cysero leaned out of the bathroom, letting bubbles and soapy water drip from his damp green clothes. "Is there a party going on out here?"

"No!" The adventurers on the second floor screeched and stuffed him back into the bathroom.

"Can't you stop her?" Ash cradled his face in his hands, his words muffled by his quivering fingers.

"It would take a miracle." Ty replied in a voice that would make even the dead complain that she was a downer.

Then the miniature crystal ball Ty kept in her bag vibrated. It was as if Ty's corpse like voice summoned the Empress of the Undead herself.

"Here it is," Ty rolled her eyes and backed her chair into the corner of the inn to take the call. Ash followed her and leaned in to listen. "My Empress? You wish to summon me?"

"You have received the news by now, yes?" Gravelyn's voice resounded clearly off the walls of the inn, bringing the commotion to a halt. Even Zhoom momentarily forgot about his anger and turned his attention to Ty and the crystal ball.

Alison, irked by the abrupt end of her fun, stood and moved to place herself at her sister's side.

Realizing that they had gained front row seats to an actual 'private' discussion between the Queen of Evil and her Champion, the adventurers scurried forward. Ty took no notice.

"I may have heard about Dage's victory." Ty said with nonchalance, letting the crystal float up into the air.

"Will there be any rifts created in my forces because of this? Perhaps it would be beneficial to slay the remainder of Nulgath's underlings."

"Make an example of them," Another more crackly voice joined the conversation. Noxus. He and Sally must have joined Gravelyn in the throne room. "Show them that there will be no tolerance for failure."

"I would advise against that," Ty interjected, watching the adventurers murmur to each other anxiously. Quite a few of them were part of Nulgath's army. "Though they had been divided by their loyalties to the two commanders, there is no question about their loyalty to you as far as gold and personal gain is concerned."

"A large portion of the war was also fought by mercenaries with no allegiances and even some of Alteon's people joined the fray. Eliminating the leftovers would be a waste of pawns and a waste of time. And if there does happen to be some discord stirred up in our forces," Ty lowered her voice to a darker and more menacing tone. "Let Dage take care of it. What sort of ruler of the underworld would he be if he couldn't handle something as trifling as that."

"I will consider it," The orb flickered with Gravelyn's words. "I expect that you will return to Shadowfall with your kin?"

"Of course, milady." Ty replied, poison laced into her voice.

"This conversation will continue in the evening." Gravelyn said with finality and the crystal ball's red light faded away.

A sigh of relief left the walls of the inn taking with it the prospect of more bloodshed, not that everyone was opposed to the idea. It was just that one war after another would be tiresome and usually the adventurers had about a week to recuperate between disasters.

Slowly, the adventurers began to disperse.

"Speaking of Dage," Alison said, having lost interest in Zhoom's raisins and the adventurers promptly surged back into the room, waiting to see what would happen next. "You know what I'm wondering about?"

"Let it go, man." A warrior patted Zhoom's back as he fumed, relaxing his muscles as Yulgar released him.

"What you're thinking of…" Ash said, scratching the back of his head. "Am I going to have to wash out my brain again?"

"Not this time. What I'm thinking of is tame in comparison," Alison pulled her hair over her shoulder and absentmindedly began to braid them. "Ty, you talk to him a lot, don't you?"

"For official business purposes." Ty said carefully, worried about where her sister was taking this.

"If your eyes were pointing where I think they were pointing, do you happen to know if Dage's butt glows in the dark?"

"How the crap would I know that?" Ty scowled, pulling her hood over her face. "He doesn't do a strip tease when we talk…which is a shame by the way."

"Someone please kill me." A rogue said, pressing his palms against his ears.

"What are you all looking at?" Ty spat at the crowd, letting the shadows that gathered around her feet flicker. "Get lost!"

At that, the adventures shuffled around, pretending to slowly go about their own business while still keeping an open ear to the strangely fascinating conversation.

"I hear something fun going on. What are you all up to?" Cysero opened the door of the bathroom to attempt to step out again only for the adventurers to shove him back in.

"Why must life be so hard?" Ty groaned, rubbing her tired and dry eyes. It had taken only ten minutes of Alison's antics to completely drain her of weeks of rest.

"I'm just saying, if he's a lich and he always glows blue, I'd bet that if we stole his pelvis it would make a great chandelier." Alison concluded, flashing her cutest smile to her sister.

"No, Alison! We are not launching operation 'steal that fine piece of dead ass.' No fucking way!"

"Awwwwww," Alison whined as snickers and cries of agony echoed off the inn's walls. "But now that the main competition got thrown into another dimension, there'll be nothing to stop us!"

"Yeah nothing except, you know, Dage," Ash said, wanting to smash his palm through his face to end it all. "I think he'd object to that. Also, why would Nulgath want Dage's butt in the first place?"

"As a trophy of course," Alison crossed her arms and nodded knowingly. "I mean, do you see the way he dresses up the ladies of his army? Nulgath noticed their…attributes. The fiend had a good eye so there's no way he could've missed the Hills of Pleasure when Dage knelt for him during their master and apprentice days. I'd think he would've went straight for the promised land the moment Dage fell."

"That's crazy! Nulgath wouldn't do that!" Ash argued even though her knew he wouldn't win.

"It's entirely possible. I mean, how are you going to disprove it? Ask Nulgath?" Alison smirked.

"Where would he have put it?" Ty asked, giving into her sister's delusions. "On the wall? On the mantle? Turn it into a necklace? Use it as a nightlight? Throw it on his bed like a decorative pillow? What-"

"Ty?" A younger and higher voice interrupted Ty's train of thought.

Recognizing the sound, Ty's blood ran cold as she turned to the floating crystal ball. It was still clear but the voice had come from there.

"Sally? Is that you?" Ty tensed, tentatively reaching for the floating crystal.

"The connection wasn't severed." Sally said, knocking five years off of Ash and Ty's lifespan.

"How much did you hear?" Ty ventured, fighting to keep her teeth from chattering.

"Everything." It was Gravelyn who spoke that time.

"Is Dage there?"

"Yes." The crystal ball shook as Dage's hiss lowered the temperature of the inn to below freezing. The blood red crystal shifted to a cold and piercing shade of blue.

Everything in the inn with a pulse felt their blood vessels freeze and shrivel. No one dared to move. No one except Alison; a smile began to creep on to her face and it terrified Ty and Ash.

"I don't know about you folks but I am not dying here." A rogue smashed a window and leaped through followed by a steady stream of panicked men and women.

Zhoom and Yulgar, like the smart people the were, had abandoned the inn the moment Dage had spoken.

"Uh, hey Dage. How's the victory glow feeling? Good?" Ty stammered, trying to bring the situation under control.

There was no answer.

"You know, we didn't mean it as an insult," Ty tried to plead their case. "We were just…we were just…okay look," Ty grabbed the orb and glared into the blue sphere. "What do you want me to say? No, I don't think your butt would make angels cry? Well, fuck you Dage. I can talk about how much they inspire hope for as long as I want."

If she was going to die, Ty was going to go down being herself.

"Ty. Control yourself." Gravelyn said and it was obvious that there was an underlying threat in her warning.

"I saw you!" Ty accused, shaking the blue orb. "Don't you fucking lie to me! I saw you reading that book! You want the ending? Good luck getting it with me and my friends six feet under."

"Oh ho," Alison laughed quietly as Ash looked on in horror. "That's positively evil."

"…Carry on." Gravelyn said, backing out of the conversation.

"Empress?" Sally gasped in delight. "You read it too?"

"Has everyone in Lore read that goddamn notebook?" Ty tugged on her hair in frustration before Alison pushed her aside to get closer to the crystal ball.

"Since Dage is here, I might as well ask him. Does your butt glow?"

Alison's question was met with an eerie silence but she waited patiently along with those who decided against their better judgment to see this slow moving train-wreck to its apocalyptic end.

"Well?" Noxus spoke up from the other end of the connection. "Does it?"

"I will not dignify that insolent question with an answer." Dage growled.

"He didn't say no." A brave and foolish adventurer commented.

"If you're going to play hard to get, then allow me to share a cute little story I heard with our exalted empress." The look in Alison's eyes was disturbing. They stared death in the eye and challenged it to a wet t-shirt contest.

"Carry on." Gravelyn replied curtly.

"A good friend of mine recently lost an ex to a recent war," Alison faked a sob and Ty's stomach inverted; she knew exactly what her sister was planning. "They actually weren't that close. One time he played the lucky guy's flute but that was it."

"Does that mean what I think it means?" Ash whispered to Ty but she was too busy trying to stave off a panicked seizure to hear.

"When his ex fell in glorious battle, at that exact same moment my friend felt his teeth tingle. Tell me, Dage," Alison twirled the flickering crystal and laughed. "When your former master fell through that portal, did your teeth tingle?"

Alison's question being a blatant rip off of Silence of the Lambs aside, the collective internal screaming it prompted in the inhabitants of the inn was so intense that if one were to strain their ears, they would hear the faint sound of children weeping.

"Whatever you fear most…" Dage's voice made the inn shake. "It will be nothing compared to what I have in store for you. You will burn in agony in the depths of my underworld and no being, living or dead, will ever go through as much suffering as I will put you through."

Alison's smile disappeared and she clasped her hands together, taking a small step away from the crystal.

For what seemed like twenty eternities, Ty, Ash, and the remaining adventurers waited. Did it finally happen? Did it take Dage to finally stab fear into Alison's heart? Was she going to plead for mercy? Was she going to cry?

Alison bowed her head and closed her eyes. With sluggish feet, she shuffled back towards the orb and with a voice that was a perfect mimic of the vanquished fiend, Alison uttered the last words Lore would hear before it imploded.

"Keep talking dirty to me, Sugar Buns."

"You fucker!" Ty cursed her sister before bolting out of the inn with Ash under her arm. The others vacated the inn just as quick, leaving Alison alone in the inn.

The floor rumbled underneath her feet.

"Totally worth it." Alison smiled.


	6. Will We Ever Be Forgiven? Will We Ever Be Free?

"I'm so sorry Yulgar." Ty apologized awkwardly as the former inn-keeper sullenly swept the rubble and broken wood of his property into another pile.

Dage had crushed the inn flat. Ty didn't know the full details of what happened but she had seen the blue light that emanated from the communication crystal glowing from the windows before the entire place exploded into bits in pieces, shooting in all directions. It didn't stop there. Another brilliant flash of eerie blue light and all of the debris was sucked back towards the crystal like some black hole had been torn into the space itself.

After some debate, Ty decided that she wouldn't put it pass Dage to actually tear the fabric of reality over some dumb joke. Granted the joke made the back of her eyeballs burn like a rash had developed on them but still.

Yulgar's back was turned to her and when his shoulders slumped, her heart plummeted and smashed open on her pelvis. That was what it felt like at least.

Because of her sister's dumb joke, a man had just lost nearly everything. Oh gods, where were Serenity and that hot blond dude with the glasses? Were they dead? Were they fucking crushed to death because of Alison? Holy fucking shit.

"I…I…" Ty tried to apologize again, throat parched and stinging.

"You know what?" Yulgar spoke, looking up over the wreckage. "I think we needed this."

"What?" The gasp came out like a pained gurgle but it was relieved. Ty wasn't sure why they needed death and destruction but it made Yulgar happy.

Sucking in a breath that he seemed to have been holding back for a  _long_  time, Yulgar let the broom fall to the ground.

"A break is nice. With the conversations between the adventurers that went on in the lobby-"

Of course. Why did Ty feel like she needed to ask in the first place when she had also witnessed the toilet of human nature that was the lobby of Yulgar's inn? Only the wrath of a butt-hurt Dage could cleanse that place of its filth and discord. The forces of Chaos would have dry heaved over the weird shit that went on in there.

"What about Serenity and that hot blond guy with the glasses?" Ty interrupted Yulgar but the innkeeper was too set on his road to bliss to chide her for rudeness.

"Oh them? They leave every time you and your friends come in."

"I can't blame them," The adventurer cringed a bit at the answer but Serenity was smart and that hot blond guy was too if he followed her out. "So, how long do you want this break to last?"

"Till Friday. The Heroes may be…strange at times but they are generous when it comes to fixing the town. This wasn't your fault so please, don't make me wake up to a room bursting with gold. The donations will come fast enough." Yulgar said, turning to face Ty.

"But-"

"You can do something else for me though." It was Yulgar's turn to interrupt now and the bliss of the break went out of him so fast, Ty could feel the backdraft.

"Sure. Anything." She replied quickly.

"Could you not call Hans a hot blond guy with glasses?" There was no humor in hearing Yulgar, with his full middle aged oaken lumber jack beard say those words. "I think we've had enough of hot blond guys…or any guys you find hot."

It took a moment for Ty to understand what the innkeeper, someone who was supposed to be her friend, had meant. Squinting from under her hood, 'hot blond guy' circled her working mind until it ran fast enough to catch fire. Lots and lots of fire; flames that engulfed screaming children begging for fresh air and an end to their burning pain and misery.

It was comparable to a trip to the local schoolbuilding.

"Yulgar. What the  _fuck?_ " Ty frowned hard enough to make the Guilty Joy of Grief feel optimistic about her predicament.

"Ah oh…uh I'm sorry," Yulgar scratched the back of his head, looking down at the remains of the inn's roof at his feet. "That was uncalled for. I don't have an excuse for that." He said, even though there were perfectly good reasons littering Battleon's grounds.

"Let's stop talking about it," Ty rested her hands on her hips and sighed, feeling a good ten years of her life slip out with the breath. "If you excuse me, I'm going to have my war flashbacks somewhere with a better view."

"Uh…sure." The innkeeper nodded in farewell before squatting to pick up the broom. What was the point of dropping it in the first place?

Meanwhile, Ty was already on her way to the forests when she saw Ash walking towards her with a jar. Promptly, turned the other way.

"Ty! Ty, don't leave me alone with her! Ty! TY!" Ash screeched like his life depended on it though that was a gross overstatement. Only his sanity depended on it.

Had it been anyone but Ash, and maybe a select other few, the Hero lurking about on the side of Evil would have fast-walked out of there until her legs became dry nubs of flesh.

Scrunching up her face, Ty counted to ten before she let herself relax. It was like loosening up before an inevitable crash to lessen the damage done but to be completely and absolutely honest, she would have rather gotten every single one of her bones broken one by one courtesy of Twig than speak with her sister at length.

"Something wrong?" She asked the distressed young man quivering with a jar of mushy gunk.

Pale as a tall glass of curdled mayonnaise, Ash swallowed and uncapped the jar.

"Tell Ty what you did!"

The red and black mush in the jar fidgeted. Ty was surprised at the sight. Dage was indeed a skilled necromancer; he managed to reduce Alison into a wad of flesh stuck between the realms of life and death. It must have been ungodly painful but as Alison would say- fucking worth it.

"Hey, sis. How are you?" The mass of blended viscera greeted its sister.

"Fuck you."

"I love you too, Ty."

Without thinking much on it, Ty gently took the Jar cap from Ash's hand and screwed it back on to her sister's container but alas. Ash had been a kind soul. He had poked air holes into the cap.

"Aren't you gonna ask what I did?" Alison, or the pulp that  _was_  her, bubbled excitedly.

"I'm going to ask myself why I'm not sinking you into the lake in Chiral Valley but the people in Mobius have enough on their plate as it is. They don't need their largest water supply to turn into acid." The scowl on Ty's face only made Alison more excited.

"You know that lovely romance novel I wrote about Sugar Buns and his N-Daddy?" The slush asked and somewhere in Lore, Dage would have felt the need to projectile vomit but thankfully, he no longer had organs…as far as anyone knows.

"Is that what we're calling that abomination?" Ty said.

"Alison, everyone in Lore knows about your…uh romance novel." Ash shivered and that got Ty thinking.

Did Dage have a humble beginning? He certainly must have. Before he was the supreme douchebag lord he was today, Dage had to have been born to an expecting couple. Did his parents love him? Were they dead now? If that was indeed the case, did the spirit of his mother get her hands on Alison's work of love?

Then maybe the world won't end when Drakath opens his gate. Maybe it would end when Dage's mother reads the written work where her undead son does the horizontal with his asshole former mentor. She would cry and her tears would slick up the path for the end of all days to slide merrily into the humble world of Lore.

"Well, I was thinking about chil-"

"NO!" Ty screamed. She screamed for all the voices that couldn't be there to voice their opposition at Alison's suggestion.

"…Childr-"

"NO!"

"Chi-"

"NOOOO!"

"I saw Dage's butt up close." Alison said instead and that got Ty's attention. Ash was still reeling from Ty's gentle rejection which meant he couldn't stop the two from heading down that ugly  _ugly_ path of conversation.

"…Go on." Ty crossed her arms, wary of what she had just allowed to proceed.

"Actually, it is an insult to only say that I saw Dage's butt up close," The Alison paste said a-matter-of-factly. "What should be said is that I got to see the face of god up close."

So it had been spoken. The face of Lorithia, the Being who carved Lore with her loving hands, resided on Dage's backside.

"And just before Sugar Buns worked his magic, I realized two things."

Ash and Ty were listening to what Alison was saying but they were also astounded by how Dage had come in person to wreck his offender's shit. They hoped he washed his hands right after.

"One, his butt does glow like a beacon of hope-" Ty made a little fist pump at this. "-and two, after eons of being and undead, there was some of his DNA left on him! Bone flakes! I've never been happier to get some."

Ty knew exactly where this was leading and when she blinked, she didn't open her eyes again.

"Ty?" Ash waved a hand in front of his friend's face. "Ty? Don't make me deal with this alone. TY!...Gosh darn it." Ash bowed his head; his hopes of an escape from this sticky uncomfortable hell were dashed.

"Children are the ultimate example of the 'fruits of love or desire.' Isn't that right?" Alison tittered and Ash felt the last of his innocence drain from his body.

"Dage and Nulgath are not in love. It's not even one-sided," Ash shook his head vehemently. "No matter how good the…thing you wrote was, it can't change reality."

"I did say love  _or_ desire, didn't I?" Alison said. "Your heart can pound against your chest but you don't have to be in love. Besides, have you seen Dage's butt? If N-Daddy had eyes, which he has like six or eight of them, he'd know those were gems. I'd be angry too if I got stabbed in the back by such a gorgeous piece of-"

"Alison, no. Please." Ash tried to talk but she kept plowing forward.

"That butt can get you places. Plus, it's the ultimate necromancy weapon. Like how Dage raises the dead and binds their souls eternally to him, his ass raises Nulgath's-"

"RATED E FOR EVERYONE!" Ash screeched, not ready for his ears to shrivel up and fall to the ground just yet.

"Aw fine…His ass raises Nulgath's peeper like-"

"STOP! STOP!" The young man teeth were grinding from the pain searing his mind. It was like someone shoved a red hot poker into his skull similar to how, in chapter 154 of Alison's masterpiece…to put it plainly, even the good King Arthur of Avalon couldn't pull  _this_ sword out of  _that_ stone. "NO!"

"No no no, that's all you guys can say but you have to admit, you don't have enough proof to argue against me. I mean, is Nulgath here to object? Is Nulgath's glistening pee wee here to shake it's head at me? Do you hear that?" Alison asked but all Ash could hear was the sound of his internal screaming. "That's the sound of Nulgath's wanger danger not saying no to doing the number after 68 and before 70 with Sugar Buns."

At that, Ash dropped the jar on the ground and let it roll. He still had enough mind in him to scoop his friend up from under her arms and drag her to somewhere nice. Maybe Aria hadn't read the romance novel yet. The animals there didn't seem spooked.

As for Alison, for all he cared, she could get eaten by the dumbest vultures in the world.

"-And the best is yet to come! Ehe," Alison laughed loudly as the jar came to a stop on a rock. "Oh? Did you abandon me? Or are you still there? My eyes got smushed by Sugar Buns so I can't tell where you are. Hmm, if you're still there, I got bits of Nulgath too. It wasn't as difficult as getting Dage's and thankfully, I didn't have to leap dimensions to get it. Me and Sally are going to mix them and see what kiddy pops out. Because, if you're going to write something like I am, you need to do as much research as possible for quality."

"I don't know why I'm bothering but I am." Ash returned as there was somehow enough care left in him to keep Sally and Alison from unleashing this terror into the world. Ty was beside him, slightly more lucid from a few seconds away from the madness.

"Alison?" Ty grumbled. "Where did you leave Nulgath's essence? How did you  _get_ his essence?"

" **まっすぐな目で見つめられて, 心の自由が利かないの**." Alison sang and both knew that they wouldn't get any more answers out of the unrecognizable blob. Instead of shaking the jar until the answers came out, Ash and Ty began to head to Shadowfall with Alison, singing in perfect bubbly happy go lucky tone, the theme song she picked for the Nulgath/Dage fic. The sugariness of the melody contrasted with the  _couple_ in question so much that Ty felt the world fracturing with every bubblegum-sweetened note. " **恋をするって言うのとはちょっと, 違うけどわりとドキドキした**."

Through some morbid coincidence, the pink cloaked blond necromancer heading to the throne room in Shadowfall was humming the lyrics as well. Noxus was being toted along, baffled at the current events.

He missed the days when hate was just hate. Now he had to watch his every move lest he fall victim to the growing fad as well.

" **見つめないで, 心の自由が利かないの. 恋をするって言うのとはちょっと, 違うけどわりとドキドキした**."

"What language is that?" The lich on a stick asked, feeling like he was on the brink of weeping rainbows and pixie fluff.

"Don't know but it's catchy and that's all that matters." Sally grinned, poking her head into the throne room. The place was empty save for a set of guards.

The Empress of all Evil had nimbly dodged a bullet.

"It should be under the throne." The necromancer mumbled as her shoes tapped on the meticulously polished floors of the throne room. Evil's seat of power may have been the heart of all darkness but a deeper malicious item had been stowed away underneath it. Nimbly hopping up the steps, Sally procured the jar of Nulgath's essence from its hiding spot and held it up to the dim moonlight for inspection.

"What is a jar of super glue doing under…"Noxus paused, a disgusting revelation blooming in the crevice of his hollowed out skull.

"Me and that witch are going to do an experiment," Sally whistled, affirming that the jar held the reagent that they needed. "She told me that she was going to get a piece of Dage, throw them together with some dark magicks, and see what pops out. If not, we're gonna find a way to dump it on Dage and it should have the same effects."

Noxus was an evil being. He was one of the largest pieces of scum that currently marred this universe with his taint. The blood of many an innocent life stained his skeletal hands and he loved it. He reveled in the pain and misery of others but…

"Set the contents on fire." The lich firmly suggested, earning a confused glance from the insidious little girl. "The extra energy should add more potency to the mix."

Sally stared at the lich for a long moment, weighing his words carefully before shrugging and going to find a good place to start a fire.

Noxus wasn't even going to wring out a favor from the undead legion's leader. To reiterate, Noxus was unredeemable scum but….man, you have to draw a line  _somewhere_.

"Oh wait!" Sally stopped suddenly, touching her chin in surprise. "That witch is going to be here soon and I need to show her what I made!"

"...And what is that?" Noxus asked carefully. Whatever it was sounded evil but he wasn't sure if it was the evil that he enjoyed.

"I liked the witch's piece so much, I got inspired to put one together myself! It's an AU though. An alternate universe; something that answers the question 'what if this happened instead?'"

Yes, this was the evil that Noxus would rather open a soup kitchen than touching.

"I titled it, 'I Can't Believe My Apprentice is  _This_ Cute!' The witch is going to swoon over it!"

Somewhere on the path to Shadowfall, Alison cried out from her jar. The yelp made her companions jump.

"What's wrong?" Ty asked.

"...I don't know. It felt so  _cold_ all of a sudden."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics are from Capsule's "Dreamin Dreamin" which was the most bubbly J-Pop song I could find to match that disgusting thing.


End file.
